Remembering to Breathe

This week has been a long one of both ups and downs.  V has had her share of temper tantrums but also some cuddling and rocking.  She is finally starting to find her way around and becoming more comfortable with us.  Language is developing rapidly and she can now easily tell us which parent (mommy or Poppy) that she wants help with.  She is picking out her own clothes and starting to help out with chores.  I think we are all starting to adjust a bit to the 4th member of our family and it is starting to not feel like we have a visitor.  It is definitely going to take time as we both need to remember to give ourselves space, to cut some slack when something is lost in translation and remember to enjoy the small moments when she lets down her guard enough to be loved.

So many temper tantrums, so little time....

It has been a while since I posted last.  We have been home 2 weeks and are in the middle of a massive adjustment time (both for us and for V).  Finally have adjusted to the time changes and starting to figure out what it is like to have 2 kids at home.  We have had many dr's appointments to schedule - are up to 8 for this month - and we have our good days and not so good ones.  Yesterday started out well but went down hill after V's school evaluation.  We met with a Russian psychologist and it seemed to go well but V had a rough day afterwards.  She talked a little bit about the desky dom and spent time identifying objects, doing puzzles, etc.  I think it was tiring for her and a bit overwhelming as most things are right now.  Her first melt down was about an hour after the exam and they came pretty steadily every hour after that getting worse and longer as the day went on.  She had so many that by dinner time she was hoarse.  We did get a little reprieve right before bed time and she fell asleep pretty quickly after telling us she loved us and did not battle bed (I don't think she had any energy left).  She is in a good mood this morning and I hope that she got a pretty good night sleep.

We know this is all normal, she has had massive changes in her life and feels as if she has no control and is trying to assert it when she can.  The psychologist says there are really good signs of attachment going on and that is really good.  That will take a long time but the good thing is she trusts us enough to look to us for her care.  It is hard, sometimes I want to take her lead and throw my own temper tantrum too, I want to tell her "it is not fair, I agree" and go bury my head in my blankets and go back to bed but being a mom means we can't do that (unless DH is home, then taking a much needed break is VERY helpful).  We did a ton of research, read books, talked to other parents but until you are in the middle of it, it all seems doable, then you start to have doubts.  My doubts are not about V, but about whether or not I have what it takes to be her mom.  Can we find all of the help she needs, can I remember not to take it personally when she is throwing things at me, can I remember that she is a hurting little girl who needs more love, understanding and care than I am sometimes confident I have in me to give?  The good thing is after a good nights sleep, you remember you can do this and sometimes it just takes putting one foot in front of the other.  We won't always be in transition, we won't always be thinking of adoption and at some point in time we will be able to just be a family for a bit.